Cherish

“I’m feeling sad” I call out to James from Griffin’s room. “Because you are packing up Griffin’s clothes he has outgrown again?” he responds. ” Yes” I answer sounding defeated. James responds again. “I would think all that organization trumps feeling sad about Griffin outgrowing his clothes.” “I would rather have a house completely disorganized than have the boys grow up” I say. I then quickly add (before James darts to the liquor cabinet in anticipation that I will say I want a third baby) “Don’t worry. I could have ten children and I would still feel this way. I just do not want Nolan and Griffin to grow up.”

I know I have written about this before, but I just cannot shake it. I feel so sad they are growing so fast. I told James yesterday that we only have a little more than four months before Griffin will no longer take a bottle. Unbelievable! Very soon Griffin will be crawling. His first real steps towards independence. He sits in a high chair, holds a sippy cup (sort of) and needs the straps adjusted on his already “big boy” car seat (the same car seat Nolan has). He is nearing one.year.old. It is just too much!

Nolan continues to grow by leaps and bounds too. This week he wrote “Happy Birthday Ms. Paula. Love, Nolan” on the inside of a card for his teacher. I think I stared at the card for a good several minutes in disbelief for the mere fact that when did this happen? My baby writes in his own cards! Nolan and I used to have this “thing” where I ask him who he is going to marry and he proudly answers “MOMMY!” Lately he has been talking about his wedding and wearing a tuxedo and shiny shoes; however, he no longer says he will be marrying me, but one of the girls in his class. He has been talking about how pretty Hannah Montana is. It crushes my heart that the innocence is wavering.

Each night before I put Griffin to bed I read him books and then turn off the light and rock him while singing a few lullabyes. Every single night I have to convince myself it is time to put him in his crib. I don’t want to let go. Tonight he fell asleep on my shoulder. As I watched him sleep, he smiled. I wondered what made this precious innocent child smile. I noticed as he laid against my body his legs are now so long they bend back and extend down my thighs. He is growing so fast.

As a part of my nightly routine after getting Griffin down, I go back in to check on Nolan. He usually is asleep, but I make sure he is tucked in tight and give him a few kisses on his forehead before leaving. To my surprise a few nights ago Nolan was still awake looking at books by flashlight. He asked me to come snuggle with him. It was late. I was tired and still had what felt like a million things to do, but without hesitation I got into bed with him. Nolan asked me to read him the book he was looking at. (Side note…Reading the bedtime stories was always a Nolan and Mommy ritual, but since I am always feeding Griffin at this time, James has taken over. I do not think Nolan minds, but as I feed Griffin, I hear James reading the stories and it makes me sad I am not in there.) Nolan and I ended up reading several books by flashlight snuggled under the covers in his bed. It was without a doubt a memory I will not soon forget.

As I sat there reading Nolan stories I realized something. I realized I have been so focused on feeling mostly sad as Griffin reaches new milestones, that I am not cherishing the milestones (and feeling as sad as I now think I should be) that Nolan is achieving. I think I have told myself that I don’t have to feel as sad about Nolan turning two or three or four, or starting preschool, or learning to swim and so on because I can still experience it again with Griffin. But what I realized was that it will not be Nolan again. And so now I have realized I have to be doubly sad about everything! I suppose I have always been a “glass is half empty” kind of gal. It is about making sure I truly cherish Nolan as much as Griffin in every single way. They are both so unique on the inside and out that having the opportunity to experience so many wonderful things again with Griffin will be the “same,” yet so different.

I have been deep in thought about this a lot this week. I have asked myself “is this normal that I am struggling with this? Do other parents feel this way as their children get older? Does it get easier to let them grow?” I am not convinced. I want to bottle them up and keep them this way forever. Oh if only I could.

So to help myself feel better tonight I told myself it will get better. I will want them to grow. I just need to remember the teenage years!! When Nolan and Griffin won’t come out of their rooms, are glued to their computers, texting their friends at the dinner table, when they are too embarrassed to be around James and I, and when they are grounded and tell us they wish they had different parents, oh yes I will indeed want those years to speed by.

Until then, I will just cherish them in every way possible. I just need to remember to breathe and soak it all in. Unfortunately, they are each only this age once!