Freezing Time

Griffin will be eleven weeks old this week and I feel so sad. The time is going by so fast and I would give anything to freeze time. Sometimes I think about how much he has changed since we brought him home and it takes my breath away. This is such a bitter sweet time because as Griffin passes milestones now, I know I will not have the experience of these precious moments again. The ironic part is that James and I both agree that the older Nolan became, the more we enjoyed him. I remember saying, “Oh this is my favorite age only to say a few months later, Oh now THIS is my favorite age!” I know the best is yet to come with Griffin, but there is just something about this age that is breaking my heart that we are leaving behind.

I love how Griffin loves to be held and how he can be so sad and crying and the minute I pick him up, he is content. This is a new experience for me for the most part. Nolan was such a fussy baby. It was not until Nolan was about four months old that I had that wonderful experience. I feel robbed sometimes. Nolan was not very enjoyable at first due to the colic. This should be my second “go round” with the newborn experience, but instead it really is my first. This may be why I have such mixed emotions. This is how it is “supposed” to be. I love it and am enjoying it so much. I think this is why it feels so hard.

I love that Griffin stares so deeply into my eyes as if he is looking into my soul. I love that he is experiencing his first smiles AND his first little laugh tonight. It is so pure, innocent, and magical. I am so in love my heart often feels like it aches. If only we could bottle all of these “firsts.” When we hold Griffin he still tucks his legs up into his chest against ours, but as he grows, he is doing this less and less. He is just becoming too big. At Griffin’s 2 month check up he weighed 14.0 pounds (in his defense he was one day shy of nine weeks old). He is in the 95% for weight and 85% for height. When others look at Griffin they are amazed when I say his age. He looks older than he is and this only adds to my sadness. He is growing and changing even more than he should be. NOT FAIR!!

A few weeks ago I overheard a conversation between two mothers on the playground after I picked up Nolan from preschool. The mothers were having a conversation about the dilemma of having a third child. One of the mothers said she recently came to the conclusion it was not that she really wanted a third child, but that she wanted the two she already had to be babies again. I am so glad I overheard this conversation because I can thoroughly relate to what she is saying. As I have said all along, we are not having another child. I do not nor have I ever envisioned us as a family of five. I desire Griffin and Nolan to be babies, not another little one. I have to keep reminding myself of this as I have so many emotions about Griffin right now as he grows.

I told James that I feel like we have not done enough to capture Griffin with our camera and video camera. I almost feel panicked that when I think back over most of the pictures we have taken, most were with my iPhone. There is no excuse with the camera James owns! This is going to change, because the pictures and videos will be the best way to keep this very special time alive.

I am not quite sure what to do with all of the emotions I have right now. It is strange because I am so happy, but am really struggling with the reality that Griffin will be three months old soon. If only I could freeze time. Then again, I would not be able to experience all of the wonderful things to come. So for me I will do my best to live in the moment because it does go by too fast, but at the same time use Nolan as my reminder that the future will be wonderful too.